What is this carom insanity?

Have you been hearing this? Since last year, football commentators have been using the word “carom.” By definition, the word describes one object glancing off of another, commonly used to describe the action of pool balls. Why has it suddenly taken over sports broadcasting? Who has ever used this word before now? Did someone send out a memo or something?

It’s spread all over sports broadcasting like a virus. “The quarterback’s pass caromed off of the receiver!” I didn’t like it the first time I heard it and now it’s beginning to annoy me. Maybe it’s a yet unidentified COVID side effect. Or could it be a disease in itself? If someone is heard saying carom, maybe they should be confined to bed-rest or restricted to wearing a double mask until they talk normal again. Health authorities really should tent ESPN and disinfect, It’s the only safe thing to do.

Remember when we used to use the word twice? What the hell happened to that? TV commercials always say “two times” as much detergent as leading brands. Has public education fallen this far, that we have to use baby talk on network TV? It’s like a child holding up two fingers, “I’m this many years old.” Now broadcast ads say “there’s two times as much stuff in our bottles as before.” I say that we should rebel! Say twice, not “two times,” we’re not babies; and write in cursive as much as possible.

We used to say “don’t worry” but now it has become “no worries.” I think it’s the Australian version of the same phrase, but how did it get here? How did this thing get through customs and why are we using it? Our language was working perfectly fine, who’s keeps changing stuff? If shows up on Wheel of Fortune, I’m calling my congressman.

A long while back, I starting hearing “not so much” used in place of “not as much;” it’s like an all purpose negation. Question: Would you like a stick in the eye? Answer: not so much. It seems to come from Canada. I first heard Candice Olson say it on her HGTV renovation show. I assumed she had bumped her head on one of those enormous chandeliers that she hangs in every room and started talking weird, but then other started saying it. Likewise, it annoys me. Every time it shows up in conversation, I want to step on it like a bug, spray it with Raid and send it back to Canada.

Everybody wants to be a trend setter and I’m tired of it. I’m sticking with tried and true expressions that make sense! A pass is deflected, not caromed. Stamp DENIED on that stupid word and send it back to ESPN.


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